#adhd for sure. At least I’m pretty sure

[karlyboyyy]

Had to take a sort of personality quiz to find out my strengths and work style for this leadership training I’m doing at work. And the results were basically just

[citizen-zero]

you know I keep that thang on me (3-5 different lip balms)

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Drunk and bleeding at a bar and struggling with the epiphany I just had that the reason I love Dandelion so much is because he looks like my father (blonde one from the books, at least) and maybe that’s the reason I’m clinging to his character, because my dad left when I was a kid

Like link to this dude’s art because I was just stalking my estranged dad’s Facebook with a cocktail whilst I wait alone for my food and he had a photo that looks exactly like the one depicted below HELP

[cq-studios]

11. What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?—Elrena

Whoooooooooooey! Boy do I have a first thing that I think about when it comes to Elrena!

I’ll try my best to keep this concise because I’ve literally been slowly but surely writing a video essay for years about this (seriously Starlight you could not have chosen a better character for this question lol).

Okay, so I spend a lot of time (psycho)analyzing Elrena and trying to decipher how she could’ve gone from who we see in UX to Larxene.

Some bits and pieces of my elaborate theory/headcannon are as follows:

Elrena is not actually as nice as she seems in UX, the reason she seems kind is because we only ever see her interacting with the Union Leaders and she is either intimidated by them, wants to be in their good graces, or both (she can still be nice, just not as sweet and innocent as everyone makes her out to be)

At some point Elrena loses faith in authority (probably once they escape to the real Daybreak Town and Brain is at the computer)

After she appears in (loosely) present KH time she is taken into the Organization (with no prior memories) because she’s supposedly has a Keyblade

She and Marluxia are treated like Roxas (maybe worse since they were unable to fulfill the role they were supposed to) but have no ‘Axel’ to fall back on so they fall back on each other, two people who are both equally lost and confused

We already know Lauriam is prone to anger in stressful situations and Elrena could’ve very much been the same all things considered. In the Organization they both feed into those parts of each other as do the other Organization members, who, as we know, are not the friendliest. They get mean and vindictive to survive

That’s pretty much the footnotes. I have evidence (based on text as well as human behaviour) and other smaller things I think about too but that’s the stuff for my video essay. If I try and write it here I might never finish the post lol

[ace-lesbionage]

You know, in movies and books I’ve seen/read about high school they don’t really capture the sheer inescapable pressure of knowing that one wrong move, your grade will go down and you’ll be too emotionally overwhelmed to fix it. The quarter grade will be horrible; and so will your grade for the rest of the year. Colleges look at that and decide that this kid isn’t good enough. And if you dont get into college, you typically don’t get very good jobs.

Movies and books depicting kids in high school don’t capture how they can feel the weight of their future on their shoulders, knowing that if they make one wrong decision it will all come crashing down.

[dagasinfilo]

i think i’m gonna straight up ask my psych for an adhd assessment next tuesday

[void-tiger]

Fighting through erganomic and setup limitations and logistics For Me: NAH.

Doing it for friends’ projects: yeah!

[lukesandromeda]

gimme ur fav luke headcanons 😏

DATING l. castellan

pairing: luke castellan x fem!reader

a/n: hi soleil it spooks me what u will do with this information but i also got so carried away with this for some reason and i did in fact not proofread it

• he’s a thief. so obviously as soon as you point out something in the store, uttering a quick “that’s pretty,” he’s nodding and pushing you along to go to another section of the store, mumbling something like, “sure is.” so as soon as you’re not looking he’s breaking the tag off the item and sliding it into his back pocket because he knows that if you were to see him, you’d scold him for his habit.

and when he hands it over to you later without an explanation, you’re asking, “how did you buy this?” and when he looks away nervously, you’re quick to lecture him about why what he did was wrong—but he doesn’t care; he gets to see the smile and appreciation from you.

• hearing constant “i’m so sorry” when he comes late to hang out with you. he’s the head counselor and has so many responsibilities to the point that even begging mr. d to let him go and hang out with his girlfriend will never work.

so when he finally does have the time to hang out, he’s exhausted—beads of sweat from sparring evident on his forehead as he takes the backpack he had slung over his shoulder and tosses it to the ground.

and he’s trying to give you as much attention as he can as he shares stories from his day with you, but his adhd’s getting to him and his eyes are so, so heavy and—you finally ask him if he just wants to go to sleep, and he’s jumping out of bed and changing into comfortable sleeping clothes.

soon he’s back in bed with you, comfortable and grateful enough that the few time he gets with you is not as stressful as what he had to deal with before.

• omfg sparring is the worsttttt with him. he makes you schedule two whole hours, yapping about something like, “i’ll just tell any other kids who wanna practice to wait until tomorrow,” and you’re telling him how it’s not fair for you to take that practice away from someone else, and he’s rolling his eyes and leaving your cabin after pressing a sloppy kiss to your forehead and mumbling, “see you tomorrow.” when you do see him tomorrow, he’s already working on his footwork and smirks as you arrive. the next couple hours are brutal. there are no breaks. at that point, why did you even bring a water bottle?

because every time he has you pinned down and you’re grunting, your throat dry as you look over to your water, he tilts your head back to him with his sword and gives you a look that tells you to focus.

and every time he gets his touch on you, he’s ordering, “again.” he wins. “again.” he wins again. “again.” so many times that you repeat the same moves, and every time, his sword is lightly pressed against your chest and you’re muttering in surrender.

after the fifteenth time of hearing the word again, you drop your sword to the ground and shove him, knocking his sword out of his hands. you break down into tears of frustration, and he’s quick to explain to you that he’s not trying to make you angry—just teach you how to protect yourself.

• usually he’s the one to hold you in his arms and let you speak your mind; he’s usually your rock. but some nights, when maybe a new camper has gotten claimed, or maybe someone got a birthday gift from their godly parent, he’s laying in the crook of your neck as he suppresses his tears against the soft skin there.

he’s talking for hours, babbling about gods know what. you find yourself wondering: how did he go from talking about nick, his newest cabin mate, getting claimed as a child of apollo, to talking about what he would name a dragon? you didn’t mind, because at least now he’s not crying about his father and the stupid quest he’d sent him on.

eventually, after a long day of a fake smile and the stressful teaching of a six hour sparring class, he falls asleep, his last words of “i love you” resting on his lips.

• he’d been happy the entire night—the blue team, his team, had won capture the flag again. he’d had so much fun at the celebration afterwards, (or at least it seemed,) but now it’s time to get ready for bed. it’s 1:30 am, and you’re washing off your makeup in the bathroom mirror when luke comes in, reaching for another rag.

he stands next to you in the mirror, watching your reflection for a moment before his eyes flick over to himself. his jaw clenches, his eyes trailing up and down the left side of his face before he swallows and wets the rag.

he begins to wipe the dirt and grime off his face, slowing down when the cloth traces the scar on his cheek. he drops the rag in the sink and sniffles, walking out of the bathroom and into the bed. once you’re finished, you join him in your room and climb into the bed. you lay down, and he rolls over and rests his face in the crook of his neck.

you wonder why it feels weird for a moment, and then you realize he has his head tilted oddly so that the left side of his face is hiding in the crook of his neck. odd, you think, considering he’d been complaining about neck pain the day before. you lift his head up, hand tracing on his left cheek and he freezes, body tensing.

“luke?” you ask, your eyes searching for a reason to his odd behavior. you look at where your fingers are tracing; on the scar. you understand, and for a moment, you see his eyes fill up with tears.

you swallow and lean forward, pressing a kiss to his scar before resting your forehead against his. he closes his eyes with a pained expression. moments pass, and then he moves to rest his head in the crook of your neck again, but this time he doesn’t hide his scar.

[able-remedious]

Random Ideas and Headcanons of Trolls 3 that just pop into my head

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Troll Character Headcanons:

Branch is at the autism spectrum

Poppy might as well have ADHD

Viva might get random moments where she thinks of her trama and just sits/stands there with a blank face expression

Branch’s brothers totally regret not being there for Branch’s most important moments in his life

Like his birthdays, every year they’d probably wish Branch a happy birthday even though they aren’t there

And now they might wanna go over puberty with him 🤣

I’m pretty sure all the PutPut Trolls were kids and teens when they found the golf course

And there families that made it assumed they were dead

King Peppy and all the other trolls definitely made an oath to never mention the trolls that didn’t get threw the tunnels so that the next generation wouldn’t be sad or traumatized by it

Either Peppy had Poppy an Viva asexually or he had a wife that supposedly died or disappeared

Spruce would totally play a different version of the birthday song to one of his kids when they wake up on there birthday

Branch’ a parents died by Bergens possibly a few months or even weeks after his birth

Clay is Viva’s shoulder to cry on when she vents or just needs to let it out

Mount Rageon Headcanons:

I first headcanoned that Velvet was an older twin and I was right

But probably not right on the twin thing

Veneer was your regular queer theater kid

Velvet is at least one year older than Veneer

Velvet is a bisexual or lesbian and she just denies it

Veneer will try to improve his singing voice in jail

He would totally get out early for good behavior

If every Mount Rageon watched Bluey, they would love it

Venner’s favorite character would be Bingo

Velvet’s would be Muffin

Every 80s-90s celebrity you can think of has a Mount Rageon counter part

They have no idea about gen z slang

I thought one time that they would be like those dolls with the limbs you can pull off and put back on again

like it would be something like this

Velvet: Veneer! Give me a hand with this!

Veneer: *takes off and throws his own hand*

Velvet: not what I meant

[apollonshootafar]

The Second Mate

Also on AO3

Chapter 1

Something was going to happen today.

She wasn’t sure how or when or if, but something inside her screamed imminence. Of course, it could be her anxiety that she was taking a pharmacy’s worth of meds for; Nevertheless, something felt off about today.

It was first day of 12th Grade in a new school in a new town, and after looking around a bit she was sure she was the only immigrant there. She was, however, used to being the outsider. She was a 200-pound-something, Foreign nutjob with mental illnesses that would petrify a small Victorian child. ADHD and Anxiety was pretty common to be fair but she was pretty sure Psychosis wasn’t.

She went through her morning routine as usual. It was more of a ritual than a routine at this point. It had to get done otherwise something bad would happen. She started her routine by doing her skincare routine. Face wash first, then toner, then serum, moisturizer and SPF. She had to look her best at all times otherwise… well there was no otherwise. She had to look perfect. She continued with brushing her hair and tying it into a neat ponytail. She then brushed her teeth for exactly 60 seconds then followed up with mouthwash for 30 seconds.

After finishing her ‘ritual’ she left her little en-suite and went back  into her cozy little bedroom. She decided on a beautiful dress with tiny pink flowers on it. She forwent a bra as she usually did (they were evil boob prisons) and put on her white frilly socks. She put on a pair of gorgeous but fake pearl earrings and necklace and went downstairs to leave the house.

“You’re going to school, not a fashion show,” greeted her mother. She ignored her as always and went out the door after picking up her backpack, which was pink of of course, and wearing her her shoes. It was time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure we’re meeting her today?” Asked Emmet, who was excited but suspicious he would finally be meeting his second mate after waiting nearly 70 years. Rosalie, on the other hand, was anything but excited. She did not like the thought of sharing her only mate to a puny little human girl. She frowned.

“Yes! Stop hounding me, I saw it happen, you’ll meet her today!” Alice being Alice didn’t really mind sharing hers. She was actually kind of excited too.

“Are you sure?”

“YES, EMMET!”

Jasper, however, wasn’t sure what to expect today. He too had waited for nearly 70 years for his second mate alas he was more apprehensive then excited. He was scared. She was human and humans were fragile little things. What if he broke your hand while trying to hold it, or finally broke his streak and ate you?

“You’ll be fine” declared Edward. The little asshole couldn’t help listening his  thoughts.

Jasper ignored his brother and gave a big sigh. He followed the rest of his siblings to their cars that would be taking them to school today; Rosalie’s red Cadillac and Edward’s silver Volvo. 

The ride to school was terrible. Though at least Emmet was happy. Jasper could feel his giddiness. He kept hounding Alice questions about their mate except he didn’t allow her to answer any of them.

“How does she look like?”

“Is she short, or tall?”

“Is she a blonde or a brunette?”

“Will she like us?”

“Do you think I’m her type?”

“When will we meet her again?”

 “SHUT UP, EMMET!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She was lucky she lived only about 30 minutes away from school. Americans would probably think that an absurd amount but where she was from it was a perfectly acceptable distance.

She wiped the sweat off her face and stared at Forks Highschool. It was definitely one of the smaller schools she’d went to. As she was walking into the building to find the secretary she was stopped by a small girl.

“Hi! You must be the new girl! We’ve been expecting you for ages!”

Her cheeks blushed a soft pink. She didn’t know she’d be this popular already.

“Hi, umm yeah this is she- I mean I am her.” Fuck, she was awkward. Come on sertraline, do your job!

Alice giggled, Jasper’s mate was cute. “I’m Alice, and these are my siblings.”

Just as she was about to wonder where they were, four beautiful pale strangers appeared before her. Her heart was fluttering like crazy, the blond and the brunet guys were HOT.

Alice went on to introduce Edward, who gave her a small smile, then Rosalie, who had already decided to hate her and answered with a glare. The giant brunet left Rosalie’s side to her dismay and extended his hand and gave a charming smile: “I’m Emmett, we’ve been expecting you.” Just as she was about to answer Emmett she was interrupted by the tall blond guy. Well, his sudden departure.

Her heart was palpitating, what had she done? She had just met them she could not have possibly offended them already, could she?

“Jasper is just anxious, nothing to worry about.” Edward had heard her thoughts and decided to take pity on her.

“Oh, okay…” He answered her thoughts as if she spoke them out loud, was she that obvious? Alice meanwhile had linked their arms together and was dragging her to the school. “You have AP Gov first period, let me take you!”

Wow, how did Alice know what her first period was? She decided she would not be friends with the beautiful pale siblings. They were weird and they overwhelmed her senses. She removed her arm from Alice. “Uh, I’ll just have to go to administration before class. You can go ahead, don’t miss class for me.” She didn’t care if Alice and the beautiful pale siblings following behind her missed their classes; she just did NOT want to be near them anymore.

Rosalie suddenly huffed and left their side, which led Emmet to follow behind her after giving her a wink and an excited smile. Edward gave a sigh of exhaustion and left after giving them a small wave. She was alone with Alice now.

“No worries! I’m sure Mr. Webster will understand when I tell him I was helping the new girl!” Her smile never left her face. It creeped her out to no end.

Alice took her arm without even allowing her to give a reply and dragged her to what she thought was administration. She had a feeling she could not escape Alice, nor the other siblings.

[gothicflowers]

Listen, Alex has been consuming my brain for weeks. It’s a whole issue (it’s not an issue, I love it really). So can I get something that’s maybe a little darker with him? Doesn’t have to be too dark, just maybe showing that side that isn’t the golden retriever we all love. Maybe a little more of that something that makes him such a good CIA operative.

Something protective/possessive perhaps? Can be NSFW or not, totally up to you.

Also, I hope you’re doing well! I know what it’s like to just need a distraction and get out of your head for a bit 💙

(MDNI +18)

Sorry this took me forever but I’ve been fighting waves of ADHD paralysis that even my meds cant fight. And I’m doing a little better, not fully healthy but I’m getting there❤️

ALEX KELLER IS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

At least that’s what he lets you see.

Because he doesn’t want you to know how dark and dirty he can be. Your family is fully convinced that he is the perfect man, which he truly is. Always getting you flowers and planning dates or small getaways. You clearly won the lottery with Alex. You see Alex as a night in shining armor, a kiss from the stars.

But Alex sees you as the dusk sky, beautiful colors that light up the sky before the light disappears. Soft delicate hands to hold, no blood or dirt under your nails. Your voice is the crackling of a fireplace in deep December snow that warms his soul. You’re the flower that blooms from the spring frost after he tills the ground with his bare hands.

Alex has fought for too long and shed too much blood in the name of justice and peace for anything to take away the one pure thing the universe owes him. You.

But sometimes dispute all his training and good intentions you see small glimmers of what Alex could be if he didn’t keep himself in check. Sometimes it’s in the way you end up bent over the counter with his fingers laced tightly in your hair as he rants on about this little bitchy attitude you’ve had since you woke up. He knows you love it and it feeds a dark pit of control that burns for you. Every thrust making you gasp. All Alex can grunt out of his gritting teeth is MINE. MINE. MINE. And is he gonna let you come? No. Not unless your pretty little eyes are welling with lust and love filled tears begging to cum. He’ll eventually let go of your hair and hold you by the jaw and let you confess that you just needed some dick, and he’s the only one that can satisfy your craving. Such a sweet thing, such perfection, so delicate.

Alex doesn’t mind letting other guys how possessive he can get. He didn’t like that guy that keep trying to dance with you at the bar. It’s surely a coincidence that guy slipped and hit his head on the sink. Other times it’s simply staring them down with a look that even Simon wouldn’t mess with.

When your ex tried to weasel their way back into your heart they abruptly stopped. They sent flowers, chocolates, jewelry, everything they could think of to win you back. You figured they finally got the message that you didn’t want them. But in reality your ex came home to a large envelope packed full of evidence of everything they’ve ever done, things you never knew about. Paired with a simple note “leave what is mine alone or else”.

Alex never wants you to know about what he truly does. Would you ever hold his hand again knowing how blood stained they are? Would those soft lips still say I love you? Despite his pure intentions he knows not all of his orders he’s been given were good. So he just tells you he works in surveillance. It eases your mind thinking he’s hiding on a roof somewhere, not down in a gunfight.

When he comes home after an extended time away you’re distraught with worry that he lost his leg. You will die never knowing the truth about what went down that day.

It’s not always that he wants to keep you in the dark, but sometimes it’s just truly classified information that you can’t know. And shouldn’t, it would give you nightmares. This man could rewrite history books if he shared what he knows.

Alex keeps hidden security cameras around the house. You don’t even realize they’re installed. He’s got extensive knowledge of technology and he used it to his advantage. He’s very good about keeping you a secret from his job but sometimes on those late nights he just needs to see you sleeping peacefully at home. And yes there is a tracker on your phone. Can’t lose track of his sweet little angel.

Everyone highly underestimates him. Too soft hearted, too eager, too naïve. The way his eyes darken and chest heaves as he stands covered in someone else’s blood shocks a room of experienced soldiers. A version of a man they rarely see, a version of a man you don’t know. Yet that version of him is who checks the house when he hear something at night. The version who corrects people who speak to you rudely. The version that growls in your ear from behind as your bodies tangle. The version who got rid of all of your problems. The Alex that will pull the earth apart and unleash hell to create a heaven on earth for you alone.

Alex is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

[copperbadge]

i was thinking of you the other day and your discussions of your ability or lack thereof to visualize things in your mind, because someone asked me who all had been at a gathering, and i answered them by calling up the room in my memory and looking around it to see who was there. and it occurred to me after the fact that i suppose probably not everyone can do that? but i could even tell you at least approximately what everyone was wearing (color, cut, maybe not precise pattern, but the general style, sure). and while i can’t swear to you that it’s 100% accurate because i don’t have a picture to compare it to, i think it’s pretty close.

but now i’m curious - what would your thought process be if you were asked the same question? if you can’t just look around the room in your mind, is the memory interaction-based? or like… voices you remember hearing? or something else?

Well, bear in mind that I haven't got a great memory to begin with -- possibly the ADHD at work, but also there's a condition that's frequently comorbid with aphantasia called Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory -- people with SDAM have trouble recalling huge chunks of their lives and when they do have recall they often remember it as if they'd been told it, they have no emotional sense attached. For example, I remember a trip I took where I had to do some hard shit and it was really scary, but I don't remember the feeling of being scared, I just remember that I was. I have no idea how long the trip was, no memory of the hotel room, very little memory of doing the scary thing. I know I did it, but there's not a lot of attachment there.

This is not ALWAYS the case -- for example I have extremely fond memories of certain other trips -- but I don't really seem to be able to switch it on or off. Like when I was in Europe, I stayed in an AirBNB in London, but by the time I got to Rome like, five days later, I couldn't remember what it was like. I ended up spending a little time one evening kind of calling up memories of where I stayed in London and in Paris to try and hard-code them into my memory, and that worked, but I also needed the help of photos and tumblr posts I'd made to achieve it. ("What did it even look like? Well -- wait, I cooked some pizzas in the microwave while I was there. The microwave was on the counter, opposite the bed, and -- oh, okay, I remember now.")

So like, I would have no goddamn idea of the majority of people at any given gathering where I attended, but is that SDAM, ADHD, a function of my anxiety in social situations, or the aphantasia? Difficult to say.

I hosted a get-together on Sunday and because I was host and there weren't that many people in attendance I could name them off, but I couldn't tell you what they wore. The last party I attended, a week or two previously, was at a friend's house and it was mostly folks I was at least passingly familiar with, but I am bad with names and so couldn't NAME a lot of the people there -- but for example I could say "Well, the hosts were there, and I spoke with X, Y, and Z, so they were definitely there, but I also spoke with like four other people whose names I didn't get. I dunno what any of them were wearing even though it was a costume party." But yeah to even come up with that I would have to think about when I arrived, walk myself through whatever I remember of the event in linear order, and just note down who I spoke with. If I didn't speak with them, or if I didn't know them well, they didn't exist for me.

So I guess the answer is that my memory isn't visual and also just kinda...isn't there a lot of the time. It's not like amnesia, or the profound brain damage you read about where the person only remembers the last ten minutes or doesn't remember anything past a certain date in their life, but I just haven't got much memory for things. It's why I use a lot of lists and spreadsheets and make yearly photobooks.

My photo archive on my computer goes back to about 1998, and it's sorted by year, but the top level folder all the years are stored in is simply titled "Where I've Been" 'cause I probably wouldn't remember, otherwise.

[bakugoushotwife]

kinktober day twenty-four: dry humping

>>> hawks that’s it that’s the post!!

>>> starring: keigo takami x curvy!f!reader >>>cw: ur just so submissive n breedable he can’t help it, mild exhibitionism, no aftercare, mating press, creampie. >>> wc: 2.1k i’m sorry my LAPTOP >>> event masterlist

keigo is a busy—and forgetful—man. he forgot his lunch at home at least twice a week, though you were beginning to think it was just so you would get all prettied up and make your way to his office to bring it to him.

you do it every time, knowing without a doubt that your hero would work straight through lunch if he wasn’t looking at it sitting on his desk. between running his own agency and reporting to the hpsc and his sidekicks and the media—taking care of himself was the last thing on his mind. thank goodness for his lovely little lady who always made sure he slept and showered and ate. he would definitely be in ruin if it wasn’t for you. you were more than he deserves; soft, sweet, and so, so, sexy. you certainly knew how to ease the stress in his life and solve the ache in his heart.

and apparently, the rumbling in his stomach.

you always took special care of your appearance anytime you visited hawks at his agency. you don’t know why, necessarily, but you felt the need to look your best when you strut to the top floor of his prestigious building. maybe it’s your way of showing off, maybe you just want him to feel proud of his choice. either way, you put on your cutest dress and do your makeup in the style that he likes, packing his bento and dutifully walking to his office.

keigo noticed about halfway through his commute to work that he left his lunch at home. he could easily fly back to the house and pick it up, he wouldn’t even be late for his morning patrol given his quirk—but! he knows you’ll bring it. it’s a thursday and he hadn’t forgotten it all week—he didn’t want you thinking that he didn’t wanna see his girl during the work day now. he looked forward to his break today, smiling a little wider as he flew towards his agency with the knowledge that his little dove would be stopping by to spend it with him.

the first half of the day passes rather hectically—though that was considered normal in his experience. he was short in sidekicks today but not short on missions that needed to be completed. he had to cover more ground than usual because of it and he had to do an interview right before your unscheduled but definitely scheduled arrival.

but as soon as he hears the cute little heels he bought you clink against the tile of his agency, he’s nearly cured. the headache he was developing eases, tunnel vision clearing up and his brow relaxing visibly at the sight of you.

“little dove!!!” he chirps, a few of his feathers taking the bento off your hands like you were carrying some heavy load.

“you forgot your lunch again, keigo. if you want me to eat lunch with you, all you have to do is ask.” you give him a knowing look, lifting your leg so you could take a little seat on the corner of his desk. he smiles at you with the utmost admiration the entire time—gold avian eyes glowing with soft affection, though your yellow sundress was definitely darkening his thoughts the longer he stared at the sweetheart neckline.

“asking takes all the fun out of it, little bird.” he leans forward, kissing the tip of your nose before going back to the mess of papers scattered around. you can tell it’s been a long day already—his shifty eyes and fidgeting hands shuffling over endless blurs of words that he needed to organize before he allowed himself to get distracted with you.

you roll your eyes at both his response to you and his adhd style mess that somehow made perfect sense to him. you pry the lid off the top of his bento, unstacking the little boxes to prepare to force feed him if necessary. you toss your hair over your shoulder, sliding off the desk to bend over his lap with your offering. he pretends to not notice what you’re doing—but you don’t understand. he has to. you basically have your tits in his face and he’s so stressed out that just the sight of his soft, warm pillows have him ready to risk it all. he can smell your sweet perfume, some of your stubborn hair still tickling his stubble-covered jaw.

“keigo…” you raise your brow, his gaze trained on your cleavage makes it clear that he was just lost in thought, not in paperwork. not that you cared—you thought his workload was ridiculous and that he was much harder on himself than he deserved. “you need to eat.” you huff, and your tone snaps him out of his dirty day dreams. he leans forward and takes the food off your extended chopsticks, smiling up at you innocently.

“wanna eat you instead.” he pouts, swiftly turning your wrist so you wouldn’t be able to hold onto the chopsticks before tugging you into his lap. you would chuff at such a cheesy reply—especially given his usual creativity, but he doesn’t give you the chance. he’s feeling at the fat of your hips, letting his face fall forward into the swollen mounds of your breasts. you giggle at the feeling of his scruff against your flesh, wet lips tracking over your chest. that feels far less funny, especially as his hands slide to your waist and back to your thighs; you find yourself arching into him and panting softly, trying to keep your volume down.

he just couldn’t help himself. you were such a relief in more ways than one, and he needed you to work your magic. it felt like he was the magician though, his hand moving further north to ghost over your cunt, your dress hiked up enough for him to tell his little dove isn’t wearing any underwear. how thoughtful of you, truly. it seems to him you wanted to relieve him too—of course his sweetness would.

your fingers knit in his hair as he cups your exposed pussy—warm and already slick for him. he grins a bit, looking up at you with his same love-filled gaze. he guides your need down on his lap—making your clit catch on his pants so deliciously your cheeks warm. he was biting his lip at the cute way you tug on his hair and struggle to be quiet.

“keep it down, pretty. don’t wanna get hawks in trouble, yeah?” he taunts a little—all part of his relief, you know. watching you wrestle to control yourself was so adorable, he just had to see more. his hands speed you up as his other hand pulls down the neckline of your sexy little dress.

you nod eagerly, hips humping up into him in order to chase that addicting burn in your stomach. you knew he’d give it to you—he wasn’t that mean, but he certainly wanted to see you squirm. you bite down on your lip to muffle your whines, feeling the intensity claw at your lungs to leave you gasping as softly as you could manage. he grins, a smug expression of his control over you as you nod vigorously—a silent sign that you were about to reach your end.

he nods to permiss it, eyes trained on how your fat tits bounce with your stuttering hips. he flickers up to watch your face, your mouth hung open in a perfect o—complimenting your crossed eyes. he chuckled a little, leaning up to kiss over your chest and wrap his arms around you with a knowing look.

“aw, my lil dove could hardly hold it together!” he giggles, the imprint of his dick shifting against your sensitive slit as he stood.

“mhm, ‘s hard to be quiet for you daddy.” you nod in agreement, pouting at him while securing your hold around his neck.

“poor baby—let’s go to the roof so you can be as loud as you want..” he purrs despite his avian nature. you bite your lip at the suggestion, just as riveting and tempting as the first time he offered to take you up there.

“need more of you—don’t care where.” you kiss at his jawline, only making his wings twitch with excitement for you. then the wind is whipping through your hair as keigo takes you to ‘his v.i.p. lounge.’

he lands smoothly as always, the blanket he leaves up for his lunch breaks with you serving as the barrier between your near naked form and the cool tile lurking beneath. he’s got you on your back instantly, shrugging out of his jacket and working on his belt with great haste. he’s focused on your impatient body, the slick coating your thighs and the light hickies he placed earlier combined with your needy face and spread legs had him fumbling to get his dick in you as soon as humanly possible. his pants drop to his knees and he pulls your hips forward, playing around in the mess he’s made of you. you whine at his teasing, shaking your head with a pout.

he chuckles, pushing your knees up to your ears as he sinks into your waiting cunt. his head falls back at how you fit around him. there was no pussy like this in the entire world, and he would fuck you like it.

“gah—ah~” you moan out at the weight of him nestled inside your body—the perfect movements he settled into to build that fire in your gut again, and this was just the beginning; two of his feathers flocked to your chest to rub against your perky nipples.

your back arches at the sensation, and he begins to fuck into you harder. you’re so intoxicating to him, you’re perfect and pliant nature—your stunning face and even more beautiful soul had him by the balls.

and then his phone rings. he groans, sending it to voicemail with a click—rutting against your womb at a pace most men would falter in. but then they call back, and he realizes that it has to be important. he listens to the voicemail message—and his suspicions were right. emergency in kyoto.

“gotta make this quick, darlin’. got some trouble a little bit away…gonna be a good girl and let me use my pretty pussy?” he asks, tossing his phone over his shoulder. you nod, his pace hadn’t slowed even while he was listening to the call, making you

a pile of mush already. you would let him do anything to you, and you weren’t sure he’d even have to ask.

“knew you would. so good for me to use.” he coos to you, languidly dragging his cock through your walls. you can feel every ridge of his dick, hitting every spot almost magically. your head rolls along your blanket, screaming for him just like he wanted. you can tell he’s working hard to finish—to fuck you and then go do his job, sweat beads along his hairline, pearly teeth digging at his lip. “geez you’re such a good sleeve for daddy. want to be full, little dove?”

he doesn’t know where to look. your gorgeous cunt sucking him in, your perfect tits bouncing in time with every brutal slam of his hips to your ass. how would he choose? how about your mouth forming perfect prayers of his name or your eyes rolling back in your head as he pins you down and makes you take it.

“fuck—daddy! please—“ you were so close, on the precipice of something intense and earth shattering. this wasn’t like earlier, the fire was uncontrollable and you couldn’t hold it much longer.

“gonna cum baby girl—just like that, fuck yeah.” he pants, guiding your hips forward to meet his insane thrusts. he spills his load, stilling his hips before you could tip off that precious precious edge—and you knew immediately he did it on purpose. you were his relief, he had to hurry! but don’t worry, keigo won’t leave you wanting for long.

he leans over to give you a quick smooch, tucking himself back into his pants and fixing his belt, giving you that same smug grin as he reaches for his jacket.

“lunch was delicious babe. dinner will be even better, i’ll see you at home!!” he coos, pecking your lips once more for good measure before he’s just a flash of scarlet in the clouds.

you’re still reeling, head spinning from denial and the feeling of his seed pearling down your legs. once you’ve finally got your breath, you’ve rationalized his departure. you knew he had a crazy day today—it really wasn’t his fault. plus, he was going to make it up to you when he got off tonight. but…wait a minute.

how the fuck are you getting off this roof?

[much-ado-about-whumping]

Help for when you’re having a rough time

(If you're looking for my old pinned post with my whump masterlists, you can find it here.)

In light of some deeply sad news in the whump community today, I’m thinking about how many of us here struggle with mental health, sometimes including physical or mental self-harm and suicidality. Since I know lots of folks might be having a hard time right now, I wanted to share some resources that have helped me in rough moments. Please feel free to add on to this post (or make your own, if you want!) with the resources that have worked for you. 

First, a note:

Trauma, shame, and suicidality all tend to isolate - they make us feel like we’re all alone in the world, like no one else would understand us, and like the only solutions we have available to us are ones we can think of all by ourselves. In my experience, the antidote to that is connection. If you’re feeling scared or alone, you can hop into my asks or DMs if you want. I’m sure there are other folks in this community who would offer that, too. Many of us have grappled with mental health struggles, including suicidal ideation, and sometimes we can offer each other the care that can be hard to offer ourselves. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support.

A quick note about location: I live in the US, but about half the resources in this post are written guides you can access from anywhere. The hotlines and warmlines linked below are US-based. One or two are accessible in Canada or have an online chat or moderated forum that could be accessed anywhere. If you have good local resources from another place, please reblog and add them! (Thank you, @straight-to-the-pain, for flagging this in the notes!)

That said, here’s my absolute first recommendation if you’re feeling generally awful and don’t know what to do:

1. You Feel Like Shit (also available at its original site here)

If you’ve read a lot of ~self care tips~ in your life (and if you’re a bit of a salty bitch like me), you might be sick of being told to eat something and take a nap. (I don’t think we can hydrate our way out of long-term trauma and late-stage capitalistic hell, but thanks.) That said, I’ve found this site REALLY helpful. Personally, I have ADHD and CPTSD, a combination that makes it ROUGH for me to know how to take care of myself sometimes. This site speaks to you calmly, like a non-judgemental friend, and walks you through steps that you might struggle with if you have a hard time with executive function in general, or if you’re ill, grieving, overwhelmed, or otherwise just off your game. I pretty much always walk away feeling at least a little better, even if I don’t complete every step.

There are more suggestions and resources below the cut. Wishing everyone in this community love and care. <3

2. The 15-Minute Rule (info available in many places; after a quick google, I really like this site as a place to start)

One key principle to understanding the resources I’ve put together here is the 15-minute rule. If you’re feeling an urge towards physical or mental self-harm or suicide, studies show that the urge is unlikely to last more than about 15 minutes at its peak intensity. (Sorry I don’t have data on this off the bat - anecdotally, I can tell you that this rule also tracks with my own personal experience.) This means that, if you’re presently feeling overwhelmed by grief or pain that’s turning inwards on you, if you can stay afloat through the next few minutes, the tide of it is likely to ebb. The site I linked above has information about this concept and some great harm-reduction ideas, too. (Another resource on this that I liked in my quick search is here.)

3. Read This First (a compassionate distraction from feelings of self-harm)

I’m gonna be honest; this resource is aimed at folks having urges towards physical self-harm, but it looks like something I would find helpful with urges towards emotional self-harm, too. (It also looks like it could be handy for body-focused repetitive behaviors - BFRBs - like dermatillomania/skin-picking or trichotillomania/hair-pulling).

4. Resources from Pete Walker, psychotherapist and author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Obviously not everyone reading this will have complex PTSD (also called C-PTSD), but if you’re a person who, in general, tends to beat yourself up a lot, I’d highly recommend checking Pete Walker’s work out. If some of it doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay - take what you need, and leave the rest. This site (and the book it references most heavily) assumes you may have had parents who were emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful. If that doesn’t ring true for you, but other parts of the resources seem helpful, use them anyway! A handy place to start maybe this page on Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD (that is, reducing the volume of the voice that screeches unpleasantness at you when you feel ashamed or scared).

As a note: this website looks VERY mid-2000s (which I kind of love). Most of the resources you want will be in the right-hand column full of links. Some of those links will open new pages, and some will automatically try to download a PDF of the article you want to read. 

5. Warmlines:

This is something I just learned today - if you’re feeling really lonely and sad, but you’re not in immediate crisis, there are warmlines you can contact! These seem to be numbers where you can call (or sometimes text) to talk with a counselor or trained peer when you need support and connection. I can’t vouch for any of these numbers personally, but as someone who has definitely thought, “It’s not bad enough to REALLY need help,” I think this is a fabulous idea. Here’s a list of warmlines you can check out in the US.

6. Specialized hotlines: 

There are lots of good crisis hotlines out there, but some may be better for your needs than others. For one thing, if you’re feeling seriously suicidal, it’s good to know the policies of the hotline you’re calling. In my opinion, everyone deserves bodily autonomy and the right to refuse care; for that reason, I think it’s important to know the policy of the hotline you’re calling as to whether or not they’ll call emergency services without your consent. Everyone has to make their own judgment call on this one, and I’m a little too (lightly!) triggered to go deep into my analysis on this right now, but I wanted to flag that it’s something to be aware of - if you’re going to call a hotline, you can try to look up their policy on calling emergency services before you contact them. You could probably even ask them in the beginning of the call. (A script: “Before we start, can you tell me what your policy is about contacting emergency services on behalf of callers?” If this is true, you can add: “I’m having some feelings of [suicidality/self-harm], but I’m safe and am not in danger of hurting myself or others.”)

With that in mind, here are some hotlines that seem promising to me, in no particular order:

A. For queer and trans folks in general:

Trans LifeLine

Available in the US (1-877-565-8860) and Canada (1-877-330-6366)

Available in English and Spanish

Will NOT call emergency services without your consent (you can read more about this policy on their website, including here)

Peer to peer support for transgender and questioning folks; also, microgrants (small amounts of money) for trans-related needs!

Does not offer text/chat-based support

I’ve never used Trans LifeLine myself, but I’ve heard excellent things about it from peers who have.

The Trevor Project:

Support from trained counselors for queer, trans, and questioning folks

Definitely available in the US; I’m not sure where else.

Offers support via phone (1-866-488-7386), text message (678-678), and online chat (link here - scroll down to Start Chat)

Also offers an online peer support space, TrevorSpace, for folks ages 13-24

Their site says, “In very specific instances of abuse or a clear concern of an in-progress or imminent suicide, Trevor counselors may need to contact a child welfare agency or emergency service.” When you click Learn More, it takes you to their Terms of Service (informative, but in legalese that might be hard to parse if you’re in crisis).

Again, not a service I’ve used myself, but I’ve heard good things!

B. For BIPOC folks (Black folks, Indigenous folks, and people of color more broadly), especially those who also hold LQBTQI identities:

Call Blackline:

Available via phone or text (both at 1-800-604-5841)

Available for people in crisis. Call Blackline can also help connect you with local community organizers and officials if you need to report a negative, inappropriate, or physical interaction with police, other law enforcement, or vigilantes.

From their website:

Call BlackLine® provides a space for peer support, counseling, reporting of mistreatment, witnessing and affirming the lived experiences for folxs who are most impacted by systematic oppression with an LGBTQ+ Black Femme Lens.Call BlackLine® prioritizes BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color). By us for us.

Here’s what I found regarding their policy on emergency services:

You do not have to provide any personal information to use the service. All calls remain private and will never be shared with law enforcement or state agencies of any kind.

Of course, a BIPOC person can contact any hotline for support, but for people dealing with racism, anti-Blackness, and other specific bigotries, I can very much see the importance of talking to someone who shares or understands that experience.

C. For folks processing bad psychedelic trips:

Fireside Project:

This one is something I didn’t even know existed! They do call- or text-based support (1-623-473-7433, or 1-62-FIRESIDE) for people processing psychedelic drug experiences, available 11am to 11pm Pacific time. I don’t have a ton more info, but their site seems really interesting and like they’re serving a unique need.

7. A soothing distraction:

One of the glories of the internet is the fact that it enables us to conjure up images of kittens at a moment’s notice. In that vein, I want to offer up a VERY cute distraction: Peptoc is a hotline (1-707-873-7862, or 1-707-8PEPTOC) where you can hear encouraging messages in English or Spanish from kindergarteners. How sweet is that? (Thanks to the wonderful @newbornwhumperfly for this suggestion!)

--------

Beloved whump community, I want to know about things that help you when you’re struggling. Please feel free to share them if you want.

And, Moya - we’ll miss you so, so much, even those of us (like me) who didn’t know you well. May your memory be an absolute blessing. <3

(I was going to put this in the tags, but oops, it’s going up here - I really hope this post will be helpful to someone, but it was also helpful to me to build. I feel better in a crisis when I can find a way to help - it’s how I soothe myself when I’m sad or scared. I really hope this doesn’t seem preachy or self-aggrandizing - it’s really just me processing-processing-processing. <3)

One more note: if this post makes you think you might want to follow my blog, you're totally welcome, but you should check out my note here first. This is not a DNI list; it's just a heads-up about my content, which could be inappropriate or triggering for some people.

[theoutsiderscomfort]

It was Two-Bit’s birthday 3 days ago and I missed it because I had Covid and wasn’t on social media much so to make up for the fact that I missed it

Two-Bit Headcanon Time!

The poll I posted a few weeks ago, Dally came first but slowly pushes Dally to the side for now. He will get his chance

These headcanons are mainly based on the book and movie adaptation.

He doesn’t own any other shirts except for his Mickey Mouse ones.

He has at least one in each color

They are probably stolen but what hasn’t he stolen before

Talking about his stealing, He probably has stolen stuff for his sister like toys or candy

I don’t remember her having a canon age but in my mind she is youngish. Between 5-10

He has definitely gotten makeovers from his sister and had tea parties

He forgets one time to wipe the make up off before going to hang with the gang

They all look at him confused before someone asks “trying out a new look, Two-Bit?”

He simply replies “Yeah. Do I look like a pretty princess?” And bats his eyes before he just starts laughing his butt off

He doesn’t take it off after it was pointed out and wears it for the rest of the day just because he thinks it’s funny

He probably has ADD/ADHD

Mickey Mouse is a hyper fixation that he has had for years

He may be 18 but he will sit there and watch Mickey Mouse for days. Give him some beer and cake? Even better. He will last a week in front of that tv

He doesn’t really care that it’s seen as childish

If this guy ever got the chance to go to Disneyland, he would be the happiest guy on the earth. He would be in heaven the whole time he is there

He would stare at Mickey as soon as he sees him. He would run to meet him despite being an adult. He doesn’t care if people think he is weird. It’s Mickey fricking Mouse.

Time for some angsty headcanons.

He wasn’t able to make jokes for weeks after they lost Dally and Johnny.

He tried but they weren’t really helping and it was hard staying positive

After finding out that Johnny died and seeing Dally die, he went home and cried.

He would’ve tried to not cry in front of the gang because he was meant to be the funny one

He also checked on his sister to be sure she was okay as soon as he got home

Okay no more angst because I’m making myself sad thinking about it

I need to end this on a positive note so uh

Has face planted into a cake while drunk before

I just thought of that one on the spot lmao

[lycandrophile]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!